I am feeling very vulnerable writing about this but I feel that this is such an important topic to talk about. I also want to say that if you are new to this website, please read my story and About pages to get acquainted with how this website is organised.
When I was a child, my safety was compromised in the most horrible manner. At a time when I was meant to feel love and attachment, my trust was violated, and my sexuality was disrespected.
I didn’t feel safe after that. and I am not just talking about sexual safety; I am talking about the inner sense of safety. Because I couldn’t stop what was happening to me as a child, I didn’t have any faith in me that I was going to be able to stop any unwanted behaviour.
To hide this lack of feeling safe, I became really aggressive. I became proactively arrogant, confident, decisive, assertive and strong.
If people (especially men) saw me as this strong woman, maybe they would respect me and give me the love and safety that I was looking for.
My healing journey involved finding this woman who was hiding behind this mask of strength and aggressiveness. It was about finding my own vulnerability and knowing that this didn’t make me weak. In fact, it made me stronger. Through this vulnerability, I was able to regain my sense of self but the healing only went so far. To fully heal, I had to find a place of sexual safety so that I could find myself again.
It is my belief that our partners are crucial in our healing. They can help us heal by restoring our faith in intimacy. Even if there is no trauma, the sexual safety can go a long way in deepening the relationship and creating a space of openness and authentic expression.
I was blessed to have found partners and friends who have restored my sense of sexual safety. To have found this feminine woman inside of me, who is vulnerable yet strong, who is very sensual and feels safe.
This experience of sexual safety was crucial in liberating my sense of self. I was able to experience aspects of myself that I didn’t even know existed. And for that, I will forever be grateful to these special people who came into my life and who showed me what it feels like to be loved and cherished in a very safe way. This allowed me to open up and experience my own feminine powers. So,
I am making a plea to all partners around the world on behalf of all of us who have been affected by childhood sexual abuse. I want our partners to know how important they are in our healing journey because we can’t do it alone.
Here it goes!
I am acknowledging that part of me is really really afraid of what our intimacy might mean. I am also afraid that you don’t know what is going on inside of me.
Touch makes me feel afraid. When I was a child, it was the touch that started as something simple but became so damaging to my sense of self. In this damaging touch, there was no connection. The abuser was more interested in their pleasure rather than my care and my wellbeing.
I am afraid that you might not care about my pleasure and my wellbeing as well. My guard is up and I am hyper vigilant. I am looking for signals that help me understand what your intentions are. I am sensing (and believe me my senses are in overdrive) so that I can run for safety or become numb if the situation gets out of control.
I also want to acknowledge that I want to be loved and I want to feel safe. Part of me is longing for that belonging and love so that I can find what I have lost. I want intimacy and I need your help in feeling safe so we both can enjoy a beautiful magical connection
Would you like to hear what I want?
Would you ask me what makes me feel safe?
I feel safe when you stay connected with me. When you look into my eyes and tell me that my wellbeing is important to you.
I would love for you to ask me, what touch feels safe and what doesn’t?
I feel safe when I know that you would respect my boundaries. I would feel really honoured when you ask me what my boundaries are.
Climaxes are fun and pleasurable but if you disconnect with me during those moments then it takes me back to the place where the choice was taken from me. I don’t want to disconnect with you either during my climaxes.
Staying connected makes me feel safe
I don’t feel safe when I feel the pressure of your needs. Because it is very easy for me to numb myself and give you what you need. And you probably wouldn’t want that because it starts a downward spiral for us. You would feel neglected and I would feel more numb, creating even more pressure for both of us. Let’s not do that.
I want you to communicate your needs, and to hear mine, so that we can both stay connected and stay together in our pleasures. I want to make you happy and I want to be happy in our connection.
Would you do that for me?
Would you be willing to create this sense of safety for me?
If you are, you will awaken this beautiful wonderful woman inside of me. You will experience my authentic femininity and love. You will experience my wildness, my vulnerability, my sensuality and my sexuality and together we will create a very beautiful and magical connection.
Oooo… I am having goose bumps in anticipation.
Please say YES.