I have been talking about all the hardships, pain and hurt of abuse but I have forgotten to mention all the helpers, the guides, the mentors, friends who have helped along the way. Without these angels, my life wouldn’t be where it is today. There were times when I felt the most hopeless and out of the blue, the universe sent me an angel and my faith in myself and my healing was restored.
Sometimes, it was the smallest of things that made a huge difference and sometimes, these angels did something really significant for me in ways that are hard to describe.
So in this blog, I want to acknowledge such an angel. Let’s call him L.
I was living in Singapore at that time. I had left my difficult marriage and was re-starting my life. I was learning to live independently for the first time but the scars from my marriage and the abuse were still fresh. I was angry; I was hurting and I didn’t trust men.
I met L at the baggage carousel at Kuala Lumpur Airport – the last place in the world where I expected to meet anyone. We were both waiting for our bags to arrive along with hundreds of other passengers. He was standing next to me, picked up a bag and then realised that it wasn’t his. I saw that and started laughing (who forgets the looks of their own bags ;-). This started a casual conversation. We exchanged our contacts but I thought that this was it. After all, why would anyone want to talk to me? I was unlovable!! and I didn’t deserve any attention – let alone from this gorgeous man.
The universe, though, had something completely different planned for me.
He did get in touch with me and we had dinner the very same day. He was much older than me so the idea of him harming me in any way didn’t quite occur to me. He seemed genuinely interested and was highly intelligent. I remember feeling relaxed in his presence. This was a completely foreign experience for me and something I wasn’t used to at all.
We ended up talking for hours. After dinner, we both went for a walk. I think it was very very late by the time I arrived back at my hotel. but more importantly, I felt strange. It all seemed like a dream.
The next day, I couldn’t focus on anything. I felt different in my body; I felt different in my soul. I had to see him again… The only problem was that he had already left KL and was away in some faraway town.
You remember being a teenager and doing stupid things that you are not supposed to do!! Well, that’s exactly what I did. I rented a car and after I finished work, I drove to where he was staying just to see him once more…
The night had already fallen by the time I arrived where he was staying. The moment I saw him, I froze in my feet. I couldn’t believe myself on what I had done. I didn’t know what I was doing there. I hadn’t thought about how I would get back home. The desire to see him had completely overtaken my sanity. And more importantly, I had just realised that I had put myself in a very dangerous position. What if something bad happened to me?
I looked at him and said: “Oh my god! I don’t know what I am doing here?”
It was as if he felt my confusion. He helped me be at ease and then simply held me. It was such a surreal feeling that I lost my sense of time. I don’t know how long we talked for and how long we made love. I remember that he went only as far as I wanted and as far as I was willing to go. I remember feeling utterly incredulous, shocked and in bliss all at the same time. Before this night, men had always “wanted something from me”. I didn’t know what it felt like to be respected, to be loved and to be pleasured. The whole night was an extremely foreign experience. I was lying beside this man, who didn’t want anything other than my presence and my smile.
That night was one of the most healing nights for me – the first EVER!!
I fell in love with him. How could I not… He was (and still is) a gorgeous man and he liked me and appreciated me. The only problem was that we lived in two different countries and had a huge age difference.
This didn’t stop us, though. Our connection and love grew over the next a few months. He restored my faith in myself and he helped me restore my faith in men…
But most important of all, he helped me see that I was a beautiful woman. Before meeting him, I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror (who would want to see an ugly little face). But I started to realise that my feeling was coming out of shame rather than the reality. I started to see myself as a woman… a beautiful, sensual woman who was as deserving as anyone else on this planet.
Even though it took me many more years to finally break all those chains of pain, hurt and anger but he sowed the seed in me. I couldn’t and still, can’t believe that universe sent me such an amazing gift. Maybe I was worth it after all!!
This was the beginning of my healing journey. I was hopeful once again and I will forever be grateful to L for showing me that I could…
How many angels have touched your life?
How many of these special people have helped you feel hopeful again (even if for a little while)?