For some reason, this blog has been really hard to write. This is now my sixth attempt to write this. Let’s see how this one goes.
I think we all survivors feel ashamed of our sex organs. Our sexual sanctity was destroyed when we were abused, raped and violated and it’s so much easier to just shut down our sexual organs, our sexual energy and our sexual desire.
I have lived like that for years. Sex was a burden – a chore that I had to do to get affection, relationship and all the other normal things one gets when they are in a relationship.
My body didn’t like it so it responded by having Urinary Tract Infections, bleeding, burning, pain, endometriosis and other infections that constantly gave me a reason not to have sex.
It wasn’t until I went and saw a pelvic physiotherapist (yes those kinds of people exist in this world – can’t believe it but it’s true). She examined me and told me that my sexual organs were scarred from the trauma that I was carrying.
This was a shock! I thought that I would have to be “injured” to carry trauma but apparently not! The emotional and psychological trauma is just as bad.
The society in which we live isn’t very open when it comes to discussions around vaginal trauma and what that could mean. I had no clue on how to go about healing this part of my body.
Then, a thought occurred to me: when we injure our muscles – what is the first thing we do?
We put our hands on the muscles that are sore; we gently massage it. If that doesn’t fix it, we put creams and heat/cold packs. We go to physiotherapists and osteopaths who do physical work on the muscles or give us exercises to do to make the pain go away.
Aren’t our sex organs the same way? they are a kind of “muscle” so all i had to do was to find therapists who worked in this area. This turned out to be a very challenging journey. But it followed pretty much the same principles that one would do when any other muscles get injured. So I started exploring this world and thank god I did but it brought me great transformation.
Stronger Pelvic Floor – Kegel Exercises
So I am sitting on the couch trying to imagine my pelvic floor muscles. I am lucky as my pilates instructor has shown me pelvic floor muscles and how they create stability for the body (using a skeleton). Still, I am feeling weird. I try to squeeze them. It feels weird, I have never really felt this part of my body. I try to hold the squeeze for 30 seconds as I am told but I can’t.
Within 10 seconds, my muscles let go and I can’t hold the squeeze. It feels as if my pelvic floor muscles are not part of my body. This makes me feel sad.
I don’t want to do this. It’s too hard. Why are my sex organs so screwed up and it’s not even my fault but I know I don’t have a choice so I continue to try and surely, I start to hold the squeeze for longer.
This makes me feel very overwhelmed and vulnerable. I don’t understand it but I have to leave it at this and come back to it.
I do come back to it and this time, it’s a bit easier. I am not as overwhelmed and my squeezes and releases come with much more ease.
Out of the blue, a strange feeling rises in me. I feel that parts of me are coalescing together and I am becoming whole. It’s a strange feeling but I like it so I keep doing my Kegels.
Trauma Release – Yoni Massage
The tantric circles helped a lot in reconnecting with my body as well. I talk about this in my last blog Practising Tantra to Release Sexual Trauma.
I also signup for personal bodywork sessions with Martina Hughes (Founder of Tantric Blossoming). From an observer’s perspective, not much happens during these sessions. She sometimes puts her fingers on the side of my neck or the side of my ribs or other points. She talks to me about body and how my relationship with my body is. The sessions always seem intense for me.
I always start from my default position – numb and shut down. At the start of the session, nothing happens and then, a rush of emotions that I don’t understand. My hands tingle and my body starts to shake. Sometimes, I cry and other times I laugh and I still don’t understand what’s going on. Martina continues to hold me and stay with me in this space.
She has explained to me about the yoni massage (for those of you who don’t know the term yoni – it means vagina) so I know that at some point, things will escalate but I I feel more and more safe to let go and allow the healing to take place.
When she finally touches the outer muscles of my yoni, a shock travels through my body. I don’t know how to feel and what to do. my natural instinct is to numb and shut down. This is a dangerous territory but Martina helps me stay in touch and not disassociate.
Her hands do not move. I cry and she lets me cry. She removes her hands once I have stopped. This is another shock! She doesn’t impose herself. I am not abused. In fact, I feel better. I feel like the feelings in my body and sexual organs are returning.
So I continue to go to her. With her gentle care and support, I start to heal my scars. My sexual desire and my connection with my body returns and I finally start to let go of my association between my yoni and abuse and start to create a new reality where for the first time, I can own my sexual pleasure. I can desire it and I can have it.
The shame no longer has the strong hold on me. I feel liberated.
After all that I have done to heal myself, I am still somewhat surprised how much of it was based on healing my sexuality and owning my feminity. Sometimes, it feels to me that our identities are closely linked to our sexual identities and unless we open up sexually and heal our sexual scares, nothing concrete happens.
Of course, I am not a therapist so what I speak about is based on my own experiences and of those who I have come in contact with and I feel that it is the same story that is repeated again and again.
Unfortunately, our societies are built on sexual suppression, which makes it really hard to explore these avenues but based on what I know, these avenues are one of the very effective ways to create openness, healing and transformation in our bodies.
- Article: How Do I Find My PC Muscle?
- Website: Pelvic Health and rehabilitation Centre
- Article: The Secret Power of Jade Eggs
- A news article: My yoni massage experience: I paid an expert to massage my vagina