If this is the first blog you are reading then the full journey of my anger outbursts is here:
and the last one: The Search for the Miracle Cure for Anger
I am driving home from work and this is the time when I normally talk to my parents. I call my mum and after some initial chats, she mentions my blogs that I have been writing this month about my anger outbursts and my journey.
A part of me jumps up in surprise (while the other part keeps driving). I hadn’t realised that she had been reading my blogs. My brain goes racing: “oh man! what if I have said something that had upset her”…
I don’t know what to say and what to think… but the next thing she says makes me jump up even higher. She says “All my life, I tried my best to give you everything but I feel like a failure that I wasn’t able to make you happy”
I feel like crying. I tell her that I understand what she was going through when I was a child. I say that if my dad was kicking her out of his house and if she was crying, there was no way that she could focus on anything else.
I also tell her that all my values and the strengths of my character are because of her and how she chose to raise me… and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. She seems happy to hear that.
This starts a conversation between us about understanding, about reconciling, and about forgiveness…
I am surprised to realise that I am angry no more… I am connected with her pain and somehow that makes me feel liberated too.
I am home now and our conversation has finished but everything inside me is still reverberating. It amazes me how the universe works in mysterious ways. Here I was just writing blogs and exploring my own anger and the next thing I know is that universe creates possibilities for me to heal and recreate connections…
I have worked with many survivors and many of us are scared to confront our own feelings. It feels that we won’t survive the pain and anxiety. That’s how I felt and it took me a long time to be able to blog about this.
I am realising that it’s about taking the first step and then trusting in the process that things are going to be just ok.
It’s about being okay with not knowing and going for it anyway. I know that it does f$#%s up our brain sometimes but despite these ups and downs, I just keep taking one step at a time and keep re-trusting the universe and my own process… and things somehow work themselves out.
Do you feel safe to take that first step?