In my last week’s blog Restoring Sexual Safety for Survivors (Part 3 of 3), I explained how sexual safety is so important if we were to create any meaningful intimacy with our partners. The reality, however, is that we are not taught to have conversations before sex. We are told that unless its spontaneous and we are taken by the passion, it’s not the real thing. Moreover, the shame around sex makes it even harder to have these conversations.
No so long ago, I was at a party and I met this man; he and I ended up talking. One thing led to another and we started kissing … While we were kissing, I felt a sudden shift in him. It’s as if he had mentally disappeared. It was strange because I suddenly felt very unsafe and I didn’t trust him.
I stopped; I said to him that I was happy just cuddling but nothing else. He gracefully accepted but he was really curious to know what had happened. Why had I suddenly changed?
I explained to him what I had felt and that took him by surprise. His response was not what I expected either. He said that his recent sexual experiences with the other gender have been about the f$%#ing and I was right that he had disappeared because he just wanted to cut the chase and go right to the climax part of the sex. He appreciated that I had given him the feedback. He said that no one had ever told him how his “mindset” affected the other.
We ended up just talking for the rest of the night and it was amazing. My setting of the boundaries had opened up a space between us where we both felt that we were allowed to be ourselves because it was all about the connection.
This was quite a powerful experience for me. I used to think that unless my partner took the initiative and asked me about what my boundaries are, it would be hard for me to establish them. This experience taught me that I can create my own sexual safety.
In the same party, the host said something that stayed with me. He said “You are allowed to feel whatever you do and you are allowed to say no without any explanation. If they have a problem with it then it’s their problem.”
So this blog is about my sexual experiences with my partner and how I took charge of creating my own safety in sex and how that led to amazing experiences for both of us.
Do you remember L from my blog Sometimes an angel comes along and changes us forever…? This was more than a decade ago but somehow The Universe brought us together again for a week (I am sure there is a cruel joke somewhere in this but anyhow). In the decade that we hadn’t spoken to each other, I have completely changed as a person. So I was curious about how our interaction would go.
What transpired was an organic process of establishing a Consent and Boundary Conversation. It happened in bits and pieces and allowed both of us to connect more deeply with each other.
My purpose of sharing this with you is to allow you to see how much power you hold in creating a connection and creating your own experiences.
Night 1 – Permission
I am ecstatic to see L after so many years, which is a surprise. How can this love survive the decades of not being together but it does somehow and I am taken by that. I know that I want him and I know that he wants me too.
He knows about my past though he doesn’t know the details. I don’t know if he knows about “triggers” and how that could impact me. I need to establish my first sense of boundary – the permission to say no.
I say to him that this is very vulnerable for me and if I feel uncomfortable at any point, would he be okay that things could just stop? Is it okay for me to say no?
His response is “of course”. He explains that he wouldn’t want to do anything that I am not okay with and that “the permission to say no” is implicit in our interaction. I say that I still need to hear it.
This explicit permission creates an openness in the space, which is hard to describe. I think it makes him become more connected, more caring and more attentive. The night becomes a blur as we move between various stages of intimacy and love making.
I don’t feel the need to say No.
Night 2 – The Laughter
It’s hot and wet and we both are feeling the desire and being intimate with each other. I am on top. The movement is fast and sexy but then I look into his eyes and the connection I feel makes me stop. I want to know what he is feeling so I stop and ask him.
He says to me that he feels present; he feels connected and that he hasn’t felt like this in a long time. Suddenly we just start talking and he says something that makes me laugh. I laugh hard… He laughs hard too. We both get lost in the talking and forget about what we were doing. Then we cuddle up and go to bed.
This night creates another level of safety for me. I know that he is okay with “whatever” happens in the moment. It’s not all about the climax but it’s about the experience of life as we stay connected.
I feel even more close to him. I tell him that and he is happy to hear.
Night 3 – The cuddle & the Raw Sex
We are both tired and though we are talking but at some point in time, we both go quiet and sleep
I wake up a few hours later and both of us haven’t moved. I am still wrapped in his arms and that makes me feel safe and protected.
He wakes up too. He says that he is just happy being with me.
Another level of safety – his assurance that it is okay for me to be wherever I am; that I am allowed to be me.
I feel safe enough to allow myself to own my desires. I know that he won’t take advantage and that allows me to say that I want it raw tonight. I want to be teased and feel the passion.
The lovemaking is passionate, ecstatic and raw and I think I am very loud and noisy but I don’t care. I feel completely owned; taken and claimed by him. I feel loved; desired and taken care for.
Night 4 – The Talk
I ask him questions about his life, his aspirations. I ask him questions about deep personal events and feelings. He shares… deeply and emotionally. We cuddle and talk for hours and then go to sleep.
I wake up at 4 am ish. I know this is not the time but then he stirs in the bed too and I can’t hold off… We make love for hours (yes it was a weekend so we didn’t have to worry about getting up early).
We do it slow; we do it fast
we laugh and cuddle.
It’s like intimacy and sex are intertwined, creating this beautiful mix of experience and ecstasy.
Night 5 – The Crying & the Stillness
One advantage of having fast sex is that I can keep my eyes closed and get lost in my own feelings… But that’s not what it’s about tonight.
He gives me an oral but instead of stimulating, he just rests his tongue there. I am forced to feel; I am forced to feel him, I am forced to feel my own desires, my own feelings… I am forced to feel our connection. I know it sounds crazy but there is more intensity in this stillness than any moment before. I feel overwhelmed… I know that I am about to cry. I also know that if I do he is going to stop so I tell him “please don’t stop what you are doing, but I will cry…”
I am sure it is a strange request but he does what I ask. I cry for a while and then I ask him to hold me… He wants to know what is happening for me. I tell him. I also thank him for being present and holding me. If he had stopped, I would have lost that connection and would have stopped feeling…
He says that my communication to him is a gift. He says that he can create a better connection when I communicate and tell him what is going on with me. He says that he has never met a woman who is so attuned and so connected. he says that it helps him connect with his desire and his pleasure and he loves that.
Night 6 – The Awakening
The past week of intimacy and connection has opened both of us to deeper levels. It feels like that we make love with our whole bodies. It feels like our bodies respond to each others’ presence. That sex is not a separate act. That we make love even when we are walking in the forest; when we hold hands; when we are talking and cuddling and when we are having raw sex…
Everything becomes different when one is willing to be open and communicate what they desire and what they are not okay with. For the receiver, it is a gift because it allows the receiver to know exactly what they do to enhance the connection. How beautiful is that!
It has been an overwhelming week for both of us. I have learned that when I take a stand for my desires; say no when needed and yes when I want; when I explain what works and what doesn’t work – that things work better. That I get more respect, more acknowledgement and more love.
I know it requires a level of personal exploration and it has taken me quite a while to uncover my own desires and understand my own body but it’s definitely not impossible. You just gotta start somewhere. To keep saying Yes, when you want to say No will only make things worse and will keep you trapped in a cycle forever…
I think we all owe it to ourselves to take a stand for our own happiness; our own healing and our own discovery and it’s never too late to start now…