All my life, I never allowed myself to get angry and yet, here I am sitting in amazement – I have finally lashed out at my parents. I have said hurtful things and I have been rude and insensitive. Maybe I have destroyed everything I have with my parents.
And it’s too late now.
Even more painful is the realisation that there is something inside of me that I now have to deal with. Isn’t life hard enough already? Now I need to dig into my past and work out why I have been so angry? Haven’t I done enough work on myself already… Will it ever end?
But I don’t have any time. We are all in Egypt on a family holiday and it is probably better that I put it in a box again and hope that it doesn’t result in another outburst.
Luckily I don’t but I keep my distance…
I am back from Egypt.
My body is in pain. I have a splitting headache. My head feels heavy and my body is unwilling to move. The only time I am okay is when I am at work because then I can shut down the turmoil that is raging inside me.
I don’t know what to do. I go for osteopathy; I go for network chiro; I cry uncontrollably and frequently but nothing seems to work. There is a heaviness inside of me that just won’t go away.
I don’t even know what it is that I need to discover and investigate. I don’t want to look inside. I am scared and afraid. I need comfort but there is no one to provide me with this comfort.
So I keep avoiding. I keep going for osteopathy and network chiro – initially once a week and then twice a week. It helps and relieves the symptoms but within a day or two, my symptoms return.
Meanwhile, I keep a distance with my parents. I don’t know what else to do.
How does one handle their anger? Lashing out obviously doesn’t help. Otherwise, I would have felt much better. I don’t. I feel worse. It feels like my body has been completely chained and is in great pain. I find it difficult to breathe and difficult to think.
Days pass as I stay frazzled, chained and stuck in my state.
My digestion system is starting to fail now and this is a definite sign that it’s getting worse (I explain more about symptoms and their scale in this blog: Restoring Emotional Safety for Survivors).
It is Sunday morning now and I am getting ready to meet a dear friend of mine. My phone pings and I get this invite for a talk on Past Life Healing. I am intrigued and I sign up for it.
The Talk is presented by Ioanna Serpanos (yes I find it hard to pronounce her name as well… Think of it as Joanna with an I ;-). She shares her experiences of past lives and how these can bring healing.
I am very sceptical. My rational brain tries to dismiss what she is saying – after all who can really prove that past lives exist and I am sure that one can “conjure up” evidence both ways. And then she says this:
“Does it really matter whether past lives exist or not?”
“What matters is that we heal and that’s what’s more important. isn’t it?”
This makes sense to me and I start warming up to her. Then she invites all of us attendees to have our very own past life experience.
As we all start to meditate and listen to her, I am thinking to myself: “Eh! I am not going to see anything… ”
And while I am thinking these thoughts – she says something and the next thing I know, I see myself in a black and white scene walking through an alleyway. My clothes are ragged. I am barefoot and dirty and I look different. I am walking in the opposite direction of the crowd of people. As they walk pass me, they kick me and spit on me like I am a scumbag.
I get really scared and bring myself out of that scene and back into the room with Ioanna. I start to cry.
Why would I imagine such horrible things? It doesn’t make any sense. I have now made it worse for myself. My body has further gone into my trauma and I am anxious. I just want to run away…
Luckily Ioanna comes to my rescue and helps me feel calm again.
I know that I have to see her again. Whatever has happened – I need to see where it goes.
I am outside Ioanna’s therapy room. It is a sunny day and I like the warmth of the sun on my face. My stomach is completely shut off. I can feel a dead lump inside me and the only comfort I have is hope! I hope that whatever happens with Ioanna today helps me…
She is warm and kind and she explains how she does things. We chat a bit about what I am going through and then I lie down on the table. I am a bit scared. After the last time, I am not sure what I am going to see and how far this will go.
Ioanna makes sure that I am comfortable and safe. She reminds me that she is with me throughout this journey and I don’t have to feel scared. I start to relax into the meditation that she is guiding me through.
I do see myself again. This time as a toddler and on a butcher’s block. There are numerous cleavers and other knives hanging by the string around me. I am naked and this man (the butcher) is standing next to me. I can feel his urge to cut me and see me bleeding… Strangely though, I don’t feel scared as my toddler self.
Instead, I take his hand and I put it on my heart. I see a surprise on his face. He hadn’t realised that I am a human being. He didn’t know that I had a heartbeat…
We stay in this for a while. I never see him cutting me… Ioanna suggests that we leave.
I say goodbye to him. I don’t need to see this through.
I am still lying on the table and slowly starting to be back in the room. I don’t know if anything has changed. Ioanna asks me to stay open to receive healing.
Suddenly my stomach starts to churn and make noises. The noises start slow and steady and grow louder and stronger. Next thing I know, a burst of energy starts at my stomach and shoots through my body. I feel small glittery pieces of light falling on me… and I feel quite different.
I keep breathing. Ioanna asks me to take my time in getting up.
We debrief and make the next appointment.
I walk outside. I feel different. My stomach is working again and I am in disbelief. I know that something major has shifted, I am just not sure what and how.
Ioanna asks me to stay gentle and take it easy but I am famished. I want proper food so I go to my favourite burger place and have the Wagyu Beef Burger. Oh man! That makes me feel so much better
By the next day, my stomach has returned to normal. my body doesn’t feel as chained and trapped anymore and I start to breathe easy.
I have a few more sessions with her. I see myself in places and situations that are horrible and frankly quite brutal. But every time I experience these horrible feelings, I feel that I let go of something inside of me. I feel that part of me that was previously shackled has freed itself.
My exploration into my anger continues. I feel that this work is setting the foundation for me to delve into something that I am really finding it very hard to do. I am also being compassionate to myself and am not trying to hurry this. After all, emotions need time and they have their own journey. All I can do is be kind to myself.
I have heard many of you say things like “I want this to be over”. “I don’t wanna feel this anymore”.
By sharing my journey and my difficulties, I hope to let you know that it’s okay for things to take time. As survivors what we deal with is quite hard at times and it is extremely important that we be gentle.
I hope that I inspire you to have compassion for yourself and let that be your guide.
Ioanna Serpanos is a recognised and well-respected Psychic Medium and Mentor who comes from a long lineage of Psychic Mediums and has been reading for over 20 years. She is renowned for her accuracy, honesty and integrity and delivers messages from Spirit with compassion, humility and down to earth practicality.
Read more about Ioanna.