Guest Survivor Blog: I am DONE owning Your Shame
I met Sarah Kacala through my Facebook page. I feel compelled to share her story. I feel her pain but I also feel her rage and her dedication to standing strong.
Sarah is in the process of launching “Little Girls Speak”, which is a 1-hour ministry performance on stage about her story. You can find more details about this at the end of this blog.
*** Trigger Warning ***
This blog contains painful experiences. Please be gentle while reading and don’t forget to breathe…
There she just laid
the life FUCKED out of her
Her safety spread like SHREDDED confetti, all over the bedroom floor
Gasping for air as she fought to keep breathing
as she wished that her heart would just stop beating
What kind of a coward hears a woman’s cries and rapes the pleading, right out of her?
What kind of an animal, a savage beast could do this to a woman?
The tears still flowing from her eyes as his “I don’t give a FUCK expression” begins to evoke such a rage inside
She tells herself that it’s all been just a nightmare
that she will awake at any moment, to find herself clothed again
no skin exposed, safe, and alone.
She slams her fists, over and over, into the mattress with every ounce of force that is left inside of her aching body
just as he penetrated her, over and over, with every available force inside of him
What gives him the right to know her like this?
A perfect stranger, causing her the worst type of pain imaginable
and then getting to see her unravel inside of it?
He walks out as if nothing has happened to her
as if nothing has been altered or changed forever
She curls herself up, in the smallest way she can
her screams still echo inside her head.
I don’t stand here a broken mess.
NO, he will NEVER defeat me like that.
He has already taken enough from me.
He will never strip away my worth, my safety, my ability to heal myself, my strength, and my dignity.
And I have a message for all of these men
for every single one of them.
To every gutless coward, who abused his physical strength, stature, and power
You may have overpowered us, manipulated, used, abused, and raped us
but you will NEVER EVER own us.
And we don’t owe you a single explanation for our anger, for our rage
You caged our minds. You walled us in.
You shattered our self-worth and reduced us to nothingness.
There is strength in our numbers
and the shame that you caused, will NEVER silence us
not ever again.
I want to ask you one simple question; the truth, and no deflection.
When you were a little boy and you looked in the mirror, did you imagine yourself instilling this fear in another?
Did you see yourself, a ruthless, killer?
Did you know that you would find a way to murder, without ever stopping a heart?
Did you realise the horrible things, you would do
the damage, you would cause when the lights went dark?
Because I know when I was a little girl
gangly and petite, just five years old
I never imagined the brutality, I would experience in this world
the horrific stories I’d live to tell
the secrets I would keep, as I grew old.
Never once did I look in the mirror and imagined me a slave.
Not once did I imagine in my worst nightmares that my heart would keep beating while I lived inside a grave.
You buried me alive and then left me for dead
under the sheer weight of all YOUR shame.
You made me own ALL of it.
But I have a message for you today.
I am DONE owning your shame.
I am DONE trying to prove that I am worthy of love
I AM WORTHY simply because I exist
I AM WORTHY simply because I am.
And nobody and nothing can take this right away from me
the right to be loved
the right to be seen
the right to be valued and treated with respect
the right to my dignity.
I’m not wasting another moment of my life searching for answers I will never find.
To the girl or the woman who’s losing her will to fight
To the one who feels trapped inside her own mind
To the one whose nightmares won’t trail too far behind.
I know how you feel
what it feels like to die
To see the world around you through broken and sunken eyes
I know what it feels like to not feel safe inside your own skin
like nobody understands the sadness you feel
the depth, or the weight of all of it.
I know this heartache
It runs bone deep.
I know that the climb to find freedom beyond is treacherous, twisted, excruciating, and steep.
This price that we paid to merely survive
and the nightmares we dream, every time we close our eyes.
All the challenges we face every day of our lives.
I need you to know that you are NOT alone.
I stand with you
I fight alongside you.
And when you shrink down, I will sit there beside you.
I will hold your hand
I will cry with you. I will wrap my arms safely around you.
But you must hear me when I say, I will not let you waste away.
I will not watch you wither in silence.
I will not let you collapse under their reign of violence.
You cry as hard and as long as you need.
But when you are done, you will rise from your knees with a fire in your eyes, and a passion in your soul
NO, I won’t leave you
I won’t let you go.
I can’t leave you like this, in this pile of ashes, and brokenness.
I will not just stand here and watch you die again.
Don’t let anyone silence this story from within you
This horror inside you that needs to be told.
I will walk beside you until it’s over, until, you are mended, and completely whole.
I know that right now all you want is to give up, to regress in silence, into an empty shell.
But I can’t let you do that
I love you too much.
You are not a stranger.
YOU ARE MYSELF
About “Little Girls Speak”
Little Girls Speak, is a one-hour ministry performance on stage. It is my story. It is insanely raw and its sole purpose is to inspire other girls and women, who have been sexually abused and assaulted, to find their voice again, to break their silence and speak up.
It is also meant to educate those who have never been through abuse; to try to help them to understand just how insurmountable it feels to recover from sexual assault. I want to bring this awareness to them, in the hope that they will have more compassion and understanding, toward those of us who are so desperately trying to put the shattered pieces of our lives back together. Little girl
Little Girls Speak is about inspiring hope, and speaking life into the darkness. It is about reminding women about the resilience that still remains inside of them, buried underneath the trauma. The
The healing is far from easy and there are no quick fixes. But every excruciating step is worth it. Because on the other side of fear and sadness, is joy and peace. You cannot heal it if you don’t feel it. You must walk through the darkness, in order to get to the light. That’s what Little Girls Speak is – it is my intentional process of healing – the path that I walked from darkness into light.